The Old Coot can’t whistle

[By Merlin Lessler]

I was riding on my old friend, a 1984 Sears, Free Spirit bicycle, the other day, and tried to whistle. I thought it would help with the “Open Mouth Syndrome” that I’d recently noticed and have been trying to correct. It’s not good to go around with your mouth wide open; it ruins your image, especially when you are trying to look cool. I thought whistling would help, by exercising my mouth and jaw muscles. But I couldn’t whistle. I’d lost my embouchure. (*)

I tried to blow into a trumpet a few years ago. I thought it would be easy since I’d played the trumpet in the sixth grade and later moved on to junior high, where the band instructor switched me to a French horn; too many trumpet players signed up to try out for the band, and I was the worst of the bunch. The French horn section was short a player, and no one tried out, so I filled the void. I wasn’t even sure which valves to push to get the correct note. It’s similar to a trumpet, but some notes are different. I tried out by faking my way through a practice piece and somehow made the band. I was assigned to the fourth seat, at the bottom end of the pecking order, where I wouldn’t be called on for solos or duets.

I spent three years dragging around that heavy French horn through school halls and home on the bus. I hated it. It shouted, “Nerd!” My image was as bad as that of the guys who carried a briefcase. There were no bookbags in those days, and only a few students in the entire school used a briefcase. The rest of us (boys) carried our books and notebooks under a single arm. Girls used two hands and cradled their books in front of themselves.

 So, now with my weak embouchure, I ride my bike and whistle; it comes out more like a whisper than a whistle. I pretend it’s a supersonic sound, above the human hearing range that only dogs can hear. But no dog has reacted to it as of yet.

I recently discovered I can fake a whistle through my teeth if I clamp them down and grin while blowing. But that’s not the whistle I want. I want a real lip whistle. If you see some goofball riding around town appearing to whistle and you don’t hear anything, that’s me. But at least my open-jaw syndrome won’t be on display.

 (*) embouchure – is the use of lips, facial muscles, tongue, and gums when playing a wind or brass instrument (or whistling).