The Old Coot needs a stuntman

By Merlin Lessler —

I was in the Daytona State College Phys/Ed locker room the other day. I swung my leg over the bench in front of my locker. I didn’t lift it high enough and stumbled but caught myself before I could fall.

That’s one of the problems of being an old coot – you make what seems like the same effort you always made to do something (picking up my leg, in this case) and the result isn’t the same as it once was. Hence, me stumbling over the locker room bench.

Things like that don’t go unnoticed. Jeff, a fellow lap swimmer, said I looked like Kramer on Seinfeld, who is always stumbling around making some spectacular staggers. He wondered out loud if Kramer used a stunt double on the show. (He didn’t, according to Google.)

Jeff’s comment got me thinking. That’s what I need, a stunt double. To get me safely through the day. Doing ordinary things that I’m no longer adept at like stepping over something without tripping.

My day would go so much smoother and be anxiety-free. Like when I swing my leg over the back wheel to get off my bicycle; it sometimes catches on the tire and sends me reeling in a backward stumble. I’ve only fallen once doing this, and that was more than ten years ago when I was a young old coot. Since then, I take great care when getting off my bike, but if I had a stunt double, I could hop off with ease.

I could pop up and out of the swimming pool, saving myself the trouble of sloshing to the stairs at the other end of the pool. My double could climb a step ladder to change a light bulb in an overhead fixture. Or, reach down to pick up a quarter off the ground. Old coots like me drop stuff all the time, not just money. I could employ a stunt man on a full time basis to bend down and pick things up.

My wife would love it if he stood in for me when I have coffee with the boys or dine on a plate of spaghetti and meatballs. Then I wouldn’t come home wearing a shirt splattered with stains. But I like Italian food too much to use a stand-in. You can only go so far with this stunt double stuff.

Comments, complaints? Send to mlessler7@gmail.com.