The Old Coot has the Summer Blues

The nannies were on TV again today. The network calls it news; I call it a chat with the busybodies.” They don’t have a very high opinion of the general public; they think we need their advice, and a lot of it. The theme this time was hot summer weather. Beware!” Most of us can tell when a heat wave arrives; some of us look forward to it. But in case we are too stupid to figure out what is going on, the media comes to our rescue to clue us in and to help us handle this “difficult” occurrence.  

They started today’s segment by parading out two pale-faced dermatologists to tell viewers to stay out of the sun. They acknowledged that we couldn’t always do that so they listed the steps we should take to prevent wrinkles, age spots and skin cancer, the one-two-three punch. We should wear hats, long pants, shirts with long sleeves, light colored and light weight clothing, wraparound sunglasses and most important of all, glob on tons of sunscreen. One doctor suggested that carrying an umbrella was also a good idea too. Then, the screen faded as a commercial on diet pills took over. It makes me wonder how our species survived for hundreds of thousands of years, working and playing in the summer sun. 

After the commercial break a nutritionist took center stage. He kicked off his segment with new commandments to supplement the original ten: “Thou shall not eat barbequed red meat –Thou shall eat no bratwurst or anything with wurst in its name – Ye shall eat fish and be happy – Do not taketh soft serve ice cream into thy digestive system, nor soft pretzels and cheese.” I don’t know about other viewers, but he ruined my summer. I left the room. I couldn’t bear to hear him speak ill of hot dogs, hamburgers, speedies and potato salad. I then put skinny, pasty-faced nutritionists on my “do not listen to” list.

The nanny show concluded by introducing a fashion consultant who specializes in bathing suits. Volunteers from the audience marched in front of the cameras so she could explain why they were wearing the wrong swimsuits for their body types. One by one, she did a critique: “Your gut is hanging out; Your bulging thighs look worse because your suit bottom is too small. Blah, Blah. Blah. Then came the advice: “Buy a suit that’s one or two sizes larger than you usually do – avoid low rise bottoms – mix a red top with a yellow bottom; it will distract from your body issue. On and on she went. By the time she finished with her “cover up and distract” advice, she might as well have pushed back the fashion clock to the 1890’s when people went swimming fully clothed. She didn’t say anything about men’s beer bellies or Speedo suits. We escaped her critical eye. The entire show was depressing; I think I’ll spend the summer boycotting the nanny shows.