The Old Coot shuts his mouth

By Merlin Lessler —

When I was younger, in my sixties, my wife gave me a Fitbit for Christmas. It was an early version; it didn’t do all the stuff they do today. I used it to count steps and check my heart rate. Its purpose was to nag me until I moved my body.

“If you don’t move it, you will lose it.”

True? It was pretty effective for several years. Eventually, after more than a decade, I learned that even if you move it, you still lose it, just at a slower rate. Who’s kidding who?

Even so, that primitive step counter was highly effective in developing “move” habits. Now, I need a different type of artificial intelligence monitoring me. A device that can listen to what I say and count several select old man phrases. A sentence that starts with, “I used to…..” for instance. Nobody cares what you “used” to do.

Even worse are sentences that start with, “I shudda,” as in, “I should have done X, Y, or Z.” Shudda is a regret that nobody cares about but you.

This Fitbit phrase monitor that I envision will keep score as I go through the day and sound an alarm when I surpass a preset limit. It will also produce weekly charts to remind me to work harder to eliminate those “taboo” phrases.

Eventually, it will help me to be somewhat more welcome in group conversations. It might even stop people from looking at their watches when I babble out of control and then say, “Oh gosh; I have to run.”

There are a few other phrases that will be monitored, such as: “What’s his name?” and “They” say… Who are “they” by the way? And when did “they” become the ultimate authority?

I have to stop right here; I’ve already exceeded my daily quota, and it’s only 10 a.m.

Comments, complaints? Send them to this paper or email mlessler7@gmail.com.