The Old Coot explains the meaning of ‘one’

The doctor of a friend of mine suggested he limit his intake of alcohol to one glass of wine in the evening. They all say that to people our age. I don’t get it; we’re too far-gone to do any serious damage at this point.  

Anyhow, that’s what they do. But, in Hanks’ case, the doctor didn’t indicate the size of the glass. Big mistake! Hank decided that a goldfish bowl on a stem would be just about right. He used the “Bill Clinton” dictionary. The one Bill used when testifying before a grand jury that he didn’t lie when he said, “There is nothing going on between us; it depends on your definition of is”. 

Hank’s definition of “one” glass of wine doesn’t limit the size of the glass; it depends on the definition of one. If you want to know what that is, look it up in the Bill Clinton Dictionary. It’s two pages past the definition of “is”.  

A lot of us do this, whether it’s “fibbing” to doctors, or to ourselves. We are capable of using this cloudy kind of language. When asked if we’ve cut back on our snacking addiction, we respond, “Why certainly, I hardly ever snack!” (Only during my waking hours.) Or, “I cut down my intake of Oreo cookies. I limit it to ONE (one row),” adopting Hank’s definition of “one.” “Do you exercise regularly?” – “Of course!” (Every two months.) It depends on your definition of regular.

Everything you promise to others or yourself depends on the meaning of the words you use. Take your pick: Webster’s Dictionary or Clinton’s Dictionary. A handful of chips mean a hand the size of King Kong’s. One beer means one growler. One bowl of ice cream just barely fits into Hank’s wine glass. 

It’s not just average people who use Clintonesque definitions.  Ever tried to exercise your rights under a warranty or a guarantee? Some companies do just that – they honor what they promised. But many others point to the small print (that most of us don’t read) and say, “Tough luck. You’re not covered.” (100 % doesn’t mean 100%.) 

I won’t get into the political promises made by office seekers. I don’t have enough ink in my pen to cover that part of the Clinton Dictionary. Besides, I have to help Hank carry his new wine glass from the store to his car. This one comes on wheels and a straw the size of a garden hose.    

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