The Old Coot should shut his mouth

[By Merlin Lessler]

Cameras on everyone’s phones have a side benefit: we occasionally see candid photos of ourselves. We are often surprised at what we see. 

In my case, it’s an old guy with his mouth half open. Apparently, I have a case of “Old-Man-Jaw-Drop Syndrome.” I walk around without realizing my mouth is open. That’s OK when I’m asleep on a bench in the mall or in a seat on an airplane. People expect you to have an open mouth. Everybody does it, but not when they’re walking around or pedaling a bicycle. It makes you look stupid; it’s another one of those old-age things. 

Things drop. I have foot drop in my left foot. It drops when I lift my leg. It would trip me if it weren’t for a little device I wear on my ankle with a strap tied to the lace near my toe; it holds my foot up and keeps me from tripping. A lifesaver for twenty-five bucks. 

But, I don’t want a similar device fitted to keep my jaw from dropping. I’ve devised my own physical therapy; I constantly repeat to myself, “Keep your lips together! Shut your mouth!” The latter is something I’ve never learned to do. Yet, it’s important that I do; I have an image to sustain and not make my fellow Octogenarians look bad. 

I practice keeping my pie hole shut when I’m walking, riding a bike, or doing anything else in public view. Unfortunately, when I’m doing those things, I go into a trance and quietly whistle a tune. It’s a weak, almost silent sound. I think I lost my ability to whistle, but that’s a story for another time. I can’t use that trance state I go into as an excuse; I’ve got to stay in the moment and keep my mouth shut. 

I need to remind my fellow old men to do the same. If I see a young guy with his mouth open, I’m going to keep mine shut. I don’t want a punch in the jaw that results in my mouth being wired shut while it heals. Although, that is another way to deal with jaw-drop syndrome.

Complaints? Send to mlessler7@gmail.com.