The Old Coot is a yeller

By Merlin Lessler — 

I’ve been talking to my appliances a lot lately. Yelling, actually. It started when my bank sent an email saying they weren’t able to mail December’s statement, a glitch in the program.

 “Okay, I can handle that.” So I thought! I opened the web page to find the statement. That started me yelling. At the computer! The glitch happened because the bank computer nerds redesigned the website and put statements in a new location, hidden in an oddly named drop-down menu. 

I yelled, but finally found it, downloaded the statement, and sent it to my printer. It laughed at me, “Ha, Ha, I’m out of ink; here’s two blank pages to prove it.” 

I yelled at the printer, but I had a spare cartridge on hand (Amazon sent me three when I ordered one). So, I moved all the stuff that was sitting on top of the printer, opened it up, and fumbled about getting the old cartridge out because they changed the way it goes in and out. 

That started me yelling some more, “Why didn’t you leave the ink cartridges alone? Don’t you understand I hate change?” 

No answer from the printer; it just sat there grinning. 

Next outburst came when I went to heat up some water on the stovetop. It’s black, with black letters. I have to get glasses to use it. Can you just walk up and turn a knob? No! You have to push a “power” icon, then a burner icon, and then increase the level of heating by tap, tap, tapping on an up arrow. It’s exasperating and deserves all of my “yelling”.

It goes on and on. I can’t work the oven either, unless I get a manual. But, there is no manual; there is a QR code on the door that takes you to a website where you can download a manual, as long as you know the model number. Which I don’t – Yell, Yell, Yell.

I live in a foreign country. All my appliances speak a language I don’t understand. My TV, my car, everything. Don’t even get me going about the washing machine; it locks the door, preventing me from adding a dropped sock. I always drop something. 

So, I yell at our appliances. I yell at the “idiots” on TV, especially the weather maniacs that try to scare us over cold and snowy weather in the winter, hot weather in the summer, and storms that often don’t materialize. That horrible squawk comes out of the TV speakers and a robotic voice “calls wolf”. 

And guess what? Now I’m yelling at you. Sorry! 

Comments? Complaints? Send to mlessler7@gmail.com.