The Old Coot is a mess

I have a pamphlet titled, “Stain Removal from fabrics.” It was published in the 1950’s for employees of Western Electric. It’s been in my collection of “paper goods” for years, a collection that once included a salesman’s guide from the 1930’s, which outlined an extensive set of sales techniques based on a person’s facial features – chins, eyebrows, noses, ears, hair color and the like. It’s now in the hands of Mike Coleman; he uses it as comic relief when he’s in his Binghamton insurance sales office. 

But back to the stain removal pamphlet; it’s a valuable commodity, especially for old coots like me who rarely make it through the day without picking up an assortment of food and beverage blotches on their clothes. For me it’s most often coffee, mustard, ketchup, spaghetti sauce, and ink. At least once a day my wife points to my shirt and makes an exasperated observation, “What have you spilled on yourself now?” 

I forgot I had the pamphlet until I stumbled on it in the back of a drawer the other day. The same day I sported a bloodstain on the sleeve of my shirt, the result of an encounter with the sharp edge of an aluminum ladder. I have a long running familiarity with bloodstains from that sort of mishap; I knew I was in for it. But the stain pamphlet saved me. 

“Dab the blood stain with Hydrogen Peroxide,” it advised. Whoosh! Like magic, it disappeared. No frowns from my wife that day!

The next stain to arrive on my shirt was coffee. I should know better than to ride my bike and sip coffee at the same time. But the bike wasn’t really the issue, it was me. Whether I’m sitting at a table, reclining in a chair or just standing up and talking, coffee will find its way to my clothes. 

The pamphlet’s advice for coffee and tea stains is to drop boiling water from a height of three feet onto the stain, dab it with a water and glycerin solution or soak it in sodium perborate. I wouldn’t dare splash boiling water from a height of three feet; I’d end up in the emergency room. I don’t have glycerin or sodium perborate. I guess I’ll have to continue to live with coffee splotches.

Mustard is one of the worst stains for me to deal with. I’ve tried everything over the years, to no avail. The stain removal pamphlet was of no help. Its 1950’s era advice was useless because the solution required glycerin or oxalic acid. I don’t have, or know where to get either. 

By the end of the day my clothes resemble a military camouflage suit. I’m a stain expert. Expert at getting stains into my clothes! Not getting them out! 

Comments? Complaints? Send to – mlessler7@gmail.com.