The Old Coot audits a press conference

There he is, and it usually is a he, at a press conference podium explaining a giant and/or disgraceful mess up. Often, it’s a politician riding the shame train, but it could just as well be the CEO of a major corporation, the president of a prestigious university or an all-star athlete on a major sports team. A team of experts stands at his side to provide the “facts,” along with an attorney to tell him when to shut up. The well staged, and well rehearsed, pseudo-drama starts with the “big” guy reading a prepared statement. “I first want to apologize to the families that have been harmed by my/our actions. If I could take it back, I would. Safety and security is one of my/our utmost concerns.” (The statement is always read from notes; these guys are incapable of speaking from the heart.

That’s the first thing about press conferences that gives me such a chuckle. They ignored the situation, gave it the old stonewall strategy, but public outcry didn’t go away and they were forced to hire a PR firm to manage the damage, starting with a press conference, to demonstrate their client’s openness and sincerity. Ha!

The press room is rarely equipped with a microphone in the audience area, (I suppose on purpose) so as we watch on TV, the “culprit” leans on the podium, stares off into space while a news reporter we can’t hear, asks a question three times as long as the opening statement. The reporter has two agendas: to make a name for him/herself and to get to the facts. The former being more important than the latter. The culprit answers by first saying, “That’s a very good question!” Which is code for, “I’m not touching that with a ten-foot pole; watch me dance.

The conference continues in this disjointed fashion; the stupes by his side take the mic from time to time; the lawyer interrupts to prevent a response by saying the matter is under litigation and can’t be discussed, or it violates some “made up” privacy regulation. The press conference ends with the perpetrator stating he’s determined to get to the bottom of this, has launched an intensive investigation and will cooperate fully with the process.

That’s bad enough, but it’s not quite over. You think you’re going to see the second half of your favorite TV show that was interrupted by the press conference, but you’re not. Now, the network takes you back to their news center where a team of media experts has been assembled to dissect the event, which, by the way, provided zero information. Still, they will spend the rest of the hour examining every word uttered at the press conference. No “Big Bang Theory” for you tonight. Just, Big Bull!

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Vintage Old Coot articles are available at oldcootwisdom.blogspot.com.