The Old Coot never gets the whole story

By Merlin Lessler —

Here I go again! Another foolish attempt to explain the difference between men and women, naively thinking it will help in the battle of the sexes, bringing Mars and Venus into compatible orbits. This time it’s the “men never get the whole story” phenomenon.

A husband will come home and say to his wife, “I ran into Bill today; his son got married in the Bahamas last month.” He (the husband) thinks he did a good job, got the scoop, and remembered to report it. He couldn’t be more wrong!

The grilling begins! “Which son? Who did he marry? Did Bill and his wife attend, or did the couple elope? Where are they going to live? Where did they meet? How long had they dated?” 

Each question is answered exactly the same: “I don’t know.” “Men never get the whole story!” They actually do get more facts than they report. But, not facts relevant to the “relationship” story. 

For example, the husband with the scoop on Bill’s son getting married did learn that the son drives a 2019 Mini Cooper with 8,000 miles on the odometer, and that Bill shot a 97 on the golf course in spite of getting a 10 on the 16th hole. But facts about marriage? Absolutely none! He didn’t think to ask.

It’s not his fault; it’s the way a man’s brain works. Next time, if he’s like most men, he won’t mention Bill’s son getting married. Mars will keep his orbit away from Venus.

I don’t know why men are like this. It might be a memory problem; we forget we’ll face a cross-examination when we come home with a “report” like this. We eventually learn to cope when we become old coots. But, we don’t fix our problem; we simply resort to fiction. We make up the answers. Our fingers are crossed when we step to the witness stand and swear to tell the truth, and the whole truth, nothing but the truth.  

An old coot will respond to a “who-did-he-marry” question with made-up facts: “A girl from California; they met in college.” “Did Bill and Mary go to the wedding?” “No, the couple eloped.” 

On and on, an old coot will go, perjuring himself to the nth degree to avoid having his “men don’t get the whole story” syndrome exposed. Eventually, it will come out, but he’ll cover his tracks with, “I guess I heard it wrong,” revealing yet another male dysfunction, the “men don’t listen” syndrome, an ailment I explained a few years ago in my unending quest to quiet the battlefront in the war of the sexes. 

Complaints? Comments? Drop them at mlessler7@gmail.com.