Guest Editorial: Leaving It All Behind; Transforming Guilt into Hope

By: L. Robertson 

I was in my mid-twenties, he was late thirties.

He was a professional, respected.

I was young and inexperienced with committed relationships.

This was only meant to be something fun, something to fill a void.

I had my own apartment but stayed mostly at his house.

For many reasons, it was time for me to leave.

What I thought would be an easy goodbye turned into a mess of emotions over the course of several weeks.

Guilt.

He said he would kill himself if I ended the relationship. He had a couple of handguns in the house and also had access to various drugs and plenty of alcohol.

I had enough.

The night that I left his house was intense; from the events that very afternoon right up to the middle of the night.

It was around 9 p.m. when I got in my car and drove away.

I made it about a mile out and pulled into an empty parking lot off the side of the road – I couldn’t see through my tears.

A couple of minutes later, a police car pulled behind me, blocking any exit.

He came to my window and said I couldn’t park there.

I said I needed a minute.

He asked what was wrong.

“I’m trying to leave my boyfriend.”

“Would you like me to help you get your things?”

“It’s not that. He said he would kill himself if I left.”  

Another car, and maybe two or three, eventually shows up behind me.

Terrified.

The conversations through the car windows focused on him; where he was, weapons, his current state, information I was reluctant to offer.

I wanted to go home.

I couldn’t.

I felt as if taking them to his house was my only option.

In a caravan of lights, we all arrive. They have guns drawn, and push their way inside as soon as I unlock the door. He’s standing there, they cuff him and throw him into a chair. He’s drunk, yelling, and crying, asking me what I’m doing. 

At this moment, I couldn’t leave him. 

Torn.

They take him to CPEP (Comprehensive Psychiatric Emergency Program), or the equivalent facility at that time. He is held overnight. At 4 a.m. he convinces me to bring him his pillow, a blanket, and other amenities. I forget about wanting so desperately to leave and instead beg him to forgive me for what I just put him through.

He is released in the morning, and we both go to work by 9 a.m., pretending nothing is wrong in our dignified, white-collared spaces.

I stay.

Looking back on this situation, I now realize that there weren’t any resources offered to me. I needed to get away from him but was guilted into staying much longer than I ever intended. With the lack of support or counsel, I didn’t know how to tear myself away.

After many more unsuccessful attempts, I was finally able to leave.

Today, I stress the importance of organizations and agencies working together, strengthening the local network so people don’t fall into the unseen gaps. It’s about knowing who to contact to better assist, no matter the crisis or situation.

Building a stronger community is everyone’s responsibility. 

I urge you to take a moment to learn about available resources in your area so you can help pass on some much-needed hope.

These are just a few for Tioga County and surrounding areas: A New Hope Center, (607) 687-6866, www.anewhopecenter.org; Rise-NY, (607) 748-7453, rise-ny.org; Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, call or text 988; and Renewal Ranch, (607) 223-4052.

If you are struggling in a relationship, please reach out. There are many who will come alongside you and offer help, free of cost and without judgment. 

It’s time to leave the guilt behind and step into a new life of hope.