The Old Coot is a savvy shopper

By Merlin Lessler —

The purchasing methods of men and women are quite distinct! There, I’ve stepped into the abyss again, trying to explain another difference between men and women. In the 1950’s, pundits called it the battle of the sexes; in the 1970’s and 80’s we tried to blur the lines, to claim there weren’t any differences. Subsequently, the reality resurfaced, enlightening us that men hail from Mars and women from Venus. So, I guess it’s safe for an old coot to make social commentary on the differences in the buying habits of men and women.

I don’t know much about the specifics of women’s shopping habits, to tell the truth. I understand it to be an ongoing process that encompasses discounts, coupons, and comparison shopping, and is never finalized until the price of an item reaches its utmost affordability. The husband never discovers the actual cost of an item, only the amount of money saved. It’s a technique that’s been perfected by women.

Men take a different approach. They bring in poor “Uncle Fred,” their ace in the hole when they purchase an expensive item they have no right to buy without a family conference. This method is commonly employed when purchasing boats.

“Honey, now before you get mad, I didn’t buy the 26 foot cabin cruiser by myself; Uncle Fred went in on it with me!”

How can she possibly respond? Uncle Fred holds a special place in her heart. And to cinch the deal, the husband says, “I’m naming the boat after you!” A similar scenario unfolds with motorhomes, cottages, and hunting lodges. These purchases are consistently made with Uncle Fred and dedicated to their spouses.

She is never informed that poor Uncle Fred was coerced into the collective acquisition; he relented only after his stake was reduced to a mere 1%. Men never buy expensive items (cars excluded) without a partner. If it isn’t Uncle Fred, it’s Jim-next-door. Jim-next-door is brought in on things that can be shared: a pool table, a 55 inch TV for the man cave in the garage, a lawn tractor, a chainsaw – anything that’s somewhat extravagant and seldom used.

“I don’t know why you’re upset with the log splitter (40-foot ladder, lawn roller, you fill in the blank), I bought it with Jim-next-door.”

The final straw in men’s buying techniques is the schmooze that comes at the end of the purchase discussion. After the wife asks, “If Uncle Fred and Jim-next-door are in on all these purchases, why is everything in our garage?”

Now comes the schmooze, at least when dealing with an Alpha Male purchaser, “Because their wives aren’t as hip as you, dear!”

Comments? Send to mlessler7@gmail.com.