The Old Coot is a caveman

By Merlin Lessler —

Neanderthals – a branch of the human family tree that was thought to have died out over 35,000 years ago. A dead end on the evolutionary ladder. We were told they were no match for us humans, a smarter and more civilized branch of the evolutionary tree. But Not True! Scientists experienced a shock wave, forcing them to reprogram their gray matter and recalibrate their textbooks.

The shock was generated when anthropologists examined human DNA and found our genome contains Neanderthal DNA. Anywhere from two to 20%. And, then they were hit by another shock wave. A discovery that proved cave men weren’t as stupid and oafish as previously thought. It was a piece of string that did it. Archeologists unearthed a remnant of string in a 35,000-year-old Neanderthal tomb, uncovered in 2022, in southeastern France. The string was made from short strips of hide, sinew, and hair, and woven into a pattern that transformed the short fibers into a long and useful cord. String is an important tool of early man, something we take for granted today.  

I always suspected that there were Neanderthals among us. Not necessarily sporting a receding forehead and protruding brows, but exhibiting oafish behavior. Like bullies and other thoughtless, selfish people. Perhaps those people’s genomes contain large amounts of Neanderthal DNA. 

Unfortunately, I think I’m joining that group. I thought the transformation I’ve been going through these past 20 years was just the normal aging process. I now think I was wrong. Maybe the Neanderthal genes are taking over, causing my cranky, old coot attitude. I’m becoming a caveman (in addition to being a dinosaur).

I just hope I can keep it under control and limit the focus of my yelling to yelling at the TV, and not friends, neighbors, and the general public. 

Complaints? Send to mlessler7@gmail.com.