The Old Coot is fit to be ‘tied’

If you’ve been in the hospital lately for a procedure or in a doctor’s office for an examination, you might have fumbled getting into a hospital gown. The nurse hands you one, and as she walks out the door says, “It ties in the back.” Not for me! Not anymore!

I can’t tie behind my back. Most men can’t. I stopped trying several years ago. Now I put it on so it ties in the front. My inability to tie things in the back came to light when I was in kindergarten and it was time to finger paint. We had to put on a smock that tied in the back. The girls could do it! Most of the boys went untied, unless the teacher felt inclined to help them. It’s just one of the things that separated the girls from the boys, this back tying form of dyslexia that boys have. Probably a sexist statement but I’m sticking to it. 

Boys and girls (men and women) are different. It starts right off in kindergarten; girls are way ahead of boys in maturity, dexterity and sharing. And, can handle a lifetime of tying, fastening and buttoning behind the back. If men’s shirts buttoned up the back like women’s dresses do, we’d go around wearing pullovers. And, to tie a tie behind our back, like women fasten necklaces, we’d go around tieless.

The only thing old coots like me can do behind our back, is to clasp our hands together when we impatiently pace back and forth in a line, waiting to be served. Especially at the DMV, renewing our driver’s license, hoping not to hear the clerk say, “Are you really still driving a car?” 

It is said that real men wear pink. Well, it’s also true that real men wear aprons. Us old coots wear ones with long strings, so they can be looped around and tied in front. Just Google Amazon if you want one, they have plenty. Yes, I stumble through life with a “can’t tie behind my back” deficiency, but at least the medical community doesn’t fool me anymore. I tie in front, like nature intended, no matter what the nurse says when she hands me a gown. What do you do? 

Comments? Send to mlessler7@gmail.com.