Old Coot speech is restricted

A new section has been added to the old coot manual. It’s titled, “The Conversation Topic Schedule.” Instead of allowing old coots to repeat their same gripes, complaints and assertions every day, day after day, the topics we can discuss are restricted and assigned to specific days of the week, in hopes a chat with an old coot will be less aggravating and thus improve the image of my generational compatriots. 

Monday is designated – “Good-old-days Monday.” We’re allowed to talk about how great the world was when we were growing up, when we were newlyweds, when we had jobs, and compare it to the dumb way things are today. How cheap a candy bar, a pizza, dinner out with the “Misses” was in the good old days. How much better things were made! How you could fix things, not throw them away when they broke. How kids played outside without parental interference and respected their elders etc., etc., etc. 

Tuesday (and Thursday, since the topic is so vast) are medical ailment days. On Tuesday, the conversations are limited to the torso (heart, lungs, kidney, liver, gall bladder, stomach and the like). In addition to the ailment and symptoms, it’s acceptable to discuss the treatment, medicine prescribed, side effects, recovery time, doctor rating and hospital performance.

Wednesday is reserved for physical feats, and the bragging thereof. It would be discouraging to have ailments discussed two days in a row. Better to have some positive remnants of past physicality talked about to perk things up a little. “Techy” coots can brag at how many steps they recorded on their Fitbits. Bike riders can crow about the miles they peddled and how many hills they ascended. Even achievements, like making it through the night without having to stumble down the hall to the bathroom, are acceptable physical feats to brag about. Mental success may be covered as well, such as getting your pants on frontwards three days in a row, and successfully putting on two socks, without falling over when standing on one leg to slip them on. Walking in flip-flops without tripping, or walking out of them. That sort of thing. 

Thursday finishes up the medical topics for the week. Limb issues, to be specific. Shoulder, elbow, hip, wrist, knee and ankle problems and replacements thereof. Foot problems, numbness and discolorations. All good to go. Cramps, circulation issues and blood clots are acceptable, as long as they take place in the limbs. 

Friday is designated as old coot coping skills day. Tricks of the trade so to speak. Best place to go for the blue bird special. How to fool the public when the front of your shirt announces what you had for lunch (slip it off and put it on backwards or inside out). Where to get free stuff. Who gives senior discounts. That sort of thing. 

Weather is an acceptable topic every day of the week, even for old coots, but not if they compare it to weather of their youth. That’s a “good old day’s” topic, properly handled on a Monday. 

Saturday and Sunday are mute days, to give the public a break. Old coots are to be seen, but not heard, something they were taught when they were children. They claim to have done that at the time, now let them prove it, and SHUT UP!
Comments? Send to – mlessler7@gmail.com.