A lot of single people sign up with E-Harmony-Dot-Com, Matchmakers or some other such organization in search of the perfect mate. They fill out complicated questionnaires, then a computer program produces a list of likely matches: people with similar backgrounds, worldviews and other characteristics that supposedly determine long-term compatibility, but they miss a critical screening tool, the old coot coffee shop test.
It works like this. You get a candidate’s name from the match making company, then arrange to meet at a coffee shop (Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts are the best for this process, but other places that have lines and require choices will work too). Tell the prospect to wear a red scarf and you’ll do the same. Get there early, hide the scarf and sit in a discrete location where you can watch the line. If the candidate is a type “X”, they will walk to the counter and say something like, “I’ll have a medium coffee, cream, no sugar,” and hand the clerk cash or a credit card and complete the transaction. (If it’s a Starbucks they can’t say medium with cream; they have to say “Grande, with room, and put the cream in themselves at the little table off to the side.)
A type “Y,” on the other hand, will only step up to the counter after the person behind them in line taps them on the shoulder and says, “It’s your turn.” The clerk says, “How may I help you?” Y stares back with a look that makes you think they were asked to name the capital of North Dakota and its population. After an awkward pause, Y responds with, “What’s good?” Now understand, Y has been in line for many, many minutes, gazing at the menu, the racks of donuts and the display case of specialty treats. The server responds with, “Everything! What do you like?” And, starts making suggestions. The banter goes back and forth. Suggestions are discarded, one by one. Eventually, Y changes from a “don’t-know-what-I-want” customer to a fussy customer. “I’ll have a medium coffee, one-half regular and one-half decaf, two and one-half sugars, a shot of espresso, a squirt of whip cream, half & half on the side and make sure you add some ice. Your coffee is always too hot.”
And yet, it’s not over; it’s time to pay, which comes as a shock to Y. He/she (this isn’t a sexist thing; both men and women can be a Y.) starts to fumble, patting pockets or digging deep in a purse, finally locating cash or a credit card to present to the clerk. Payment is made and then Y says, “Oh! I need a bagel; what kind do you have?” The whole process starts all over again. The people in line behind Y look at each other and roll their eyes.
Now, it’s time for you to decide whether to put on the red scarf, or not. No matter how it comes out, at least you’ve had an interesting people-watching experience. Us old coots do it all the time. We’re not looking for a mate; we just love watching the show.
Complaints, comments can be left at mlessler7@gmail.com.
Vintage old coot articles are available at oldcootwisdom.blogspot.com.
