His car hates the Old Coot

I rant about today’s cars as often as I do about the weather zealots on TV. This is my eighth car rant in the last five years. Meteorologists make us afraid of the weather; automakers make us afraid of our cars. They give us stuff we didn’t ask for and don’t want – like keys that cost hundreds of dollars to replace – annoying tire pressure alarms – unnecessary “check engine” alerts.  

I ignore those annoying icons by covering them with black electrical tape. I’m also irked because they took away things I loved – chrome plated steel bumpers, hood ornaments that looked cool and made it easier to keep a car in the lane, and tailgate windows that opened. You could slide a kayak or pile of 2 X 4’s in the car and let them stick out the back window. Today’s tailgate windows don’t let you do that; you have to leave the hatch open, flapping in the breeze.   

I’m through complaining about those issues; my complaint today is about the smart screen that’s replaced the knobs and levers you could operate without taking your eyes off the road. If I want to change the station on the radio, I can’t reach over and feel for a knob to do it; I have to look at a smart screen, find the up or down arrow, and tap. The same thing is true with the heater controls. 

The operation of smart screens is complicated. You can’t jump into a strange car and drive away. You need a prep course. I’ve leafed through my manual so often it’s falling apart. And, I’m more of a distracted driver than I ever was. Even the headlight switch, which I could operate blindfolded, now forces me to look at it since it has three or four options, indicated by icons I don’t quite understand. 

I’m icon challenged. Back in the days of automobile sanity, I reached to my left, pulled the knob halfway out for parking lights and all the way out for headlights. I also could dim the lights by stepping on a button with my left foot. Nice and simple! 

The smart screen has taken over. The days when you could control things without taking your eyes off the road are gone. Operating a cell phone while driving is illegal, yet the car’s smart screen, which is more distracting, isn’t. 

It really gets me when I’m driving along, munching on a Big Mac, holding a milkshake between my knees, working on a crossword puzzle and need to adjust the heater. I have to focus my attention on the smart screen and usually tip over my milk shake. If I get into an accident and get ticketed for distracted driving, I’ll plead, “Not guilty; the car made me do it!”

Comments? – Complaints? Send to mlessler7@gmail.com.