As I flip through old photo albums, the photos take me back in time, giving me a glimpse of how I looked in years past. This simple act strikes up memories of the views I held of myself at each of the times when the photos were taken.
Observing the big disconnect between what was my reality and what was the perception of that reality, I realize over the years I have been doing myself a great disservice.
This realization brings with it certain sadness. It makes me wonder if I had seen myself in any other way over the years, would my outcome have been different?
In all of those years, I can’t say that I even really know what the world’s perception of me was, because I only guessed based on limited feedback.
The sad thing about that feedback is that often times that feedback was negative. Unkind words spoken both by those I know and those that I don’t. They sit with me just the same. I always felt somehow less beautiful than those around me. I felt somehow like I was less of everything that everyone else was.
The power of words can be a sad thing when it is misused.
I look back at those pictures now and I see a girl with beautiful hair, eyes and a beautiful face. I see a girl that had no clue that she wasn’t nearly as fat as she thought she was. I wasn’t exactly thin, but I didn’t stand out for my weight as much as I do now. After all of that, I’ve become the person I felt like I was all those years ago.
The perception I held was far too distorted.
I felt fat.
I felt unattractive.
I used to take more care of my appearance, once upon a time; but as the years went on, I gave up. I thought I could never measure up and so why even try at all?
I deal with those perceptions now as I struggle to catch a vision of what I will look like when I finally take off the weight.
I’ve heard that to be successful, one really needs to see oneself being successful. It makes sense too. After all, if one believes they can be successful, they are more likely to do exactly what it takes to make that belief a reality.
But I’ve always seen myself as fat, or almost always.
I don’t remember exactly when I first became aware of my weight and just when I started to develop a distorted picture of myself, but it was pretty early on.
That distortion grew and grew with each experience that seemed to confirm this misinformation that I believed about myself, and eventually it became truer and truer.
If this process can take place, I’m pretty sure that the same can happen in reverse, but just how does one make that happen?
For me, I think it starts by facing that inner critic of mine that seems to be doing me more of a disservice than a service.
Every time I see people criticize pictures of themselves, it’s so easy for me to see a distortion of perception; because when I look at the same picture, it’s easier for me to see their beauty than it is for me to see my own. For me, the distortion of my self image went unrecognized for so many years that I don’t even know how to see myself in my present state anymore.
All I can think now, being as heavy as I am, is that finally that perception must be right.
I can’t deny it. There’s no recent picture of me that can show me that I’m wrong.
I must accept what has happened, but also I must press on in my quest to catch a new vision of the person I want to be.
To see that person so clearly that I feel that person already inside of me, I need to do some work.
Visiting the website Model My Diet recently, I entered my height, my shape, and chose various features that approximate what my own features look like, as well as choosing a background and an outfit to get a computerized avatar to look as much like me as possible.
I entered my weight and then my goal weight and then watched two avatars that appeared side by side, approximate what I look like now and what I should look like in the future.
I like this tool, but my brain just can’t quite accept that the avatar in front of me is supposed to be me.
It’s just a computer image, but I try to convince myself.
And so I take on a project to help me catch that vision of myself that I seek clearly fixed in my mind.
It takes imagination, old photos and the conscious decision to feel differently about the person I am and what I look like. It takes a decision to change my life and environment to constantly remind myself that I’m not that person that I’ve spent so much time of my life thinking that I was.
I may look like that person now, but somewhere underneath all of that is the person I was supposed to be – a person that is healthy and not so heavy.
Going from super morbid obesity to a much healthier weight, for me that may take a lot of imagination.
Last night, as I was ready to go to sleep, I took a moment to imagine myself thinner. It was weird as the image in my mind and the feeling that went with it seemed to need alterations until I got the shape that I wanted. Strangely enough, I could almost imagine feeling thinner too. It’s a new feeling for me.
It’s in moments like this that I begin to undo the damage of an unreliable self image.
If you want to follow my weight-loss journey, read about it occasionally in my column, “Healthy steps” or you can watch my weight-loss journey unfold and show your support by liking the page www.facebook.com/GretchenGetFit on Facebook or following me on Twitter @GretchenGetFit. Contact the writer at gbalshuweit@thedailyreview.com.
Healthy steps is written by Gretchen Balshuweit, news editor and now health and wellness page columnist for The Daily Review in Towanda, Pa. as she pursues her own journey to health and wellness in hopes of losing a total of 200-250 pounds of excess weight.
