The Old Coot won’t shake on it

By Merlin Lessler —

There has been a lot of discussion about bullies over the last dozen years or so, in national media and social media, that has been about bullies in the kids’ world but not about bullies in the adult world. And they are there too, in corporations, in bureaucracies, and most other places where people get a little power and re-energize their childhood bully genes.    

My issue is with handshake bullies. You get introduced to one, stick out your hand, and find your fingers clasped in a vice. The palm of your hand never made it into the shake. The bully looks at you with one of those “gotcha” grins and squeezes. You hear your knuckles crack, feel the joints buckle, and fight with everything you’ve got to hold back the tears and stop yourself from screaming. 

You need a “do-over” according to my friend Scotty, who is a long-time student of criminal behavior. He’s right. You desperately want to do it over when a handshake bully catches you off guard.

But there aren’t any “do-overs” with these guys. Not like when you were a kid and you could reverse a mistake by yelling, “Do over; I call it!” It applied to anything: that wild swing of the bat that earned you a third strike, the foul shot that lipped out in a game of Horse, or that lame attempt at a back dive you chickened out of at the last second.

In the adult world, the golf world that is, they call a “do-over” a Mulligan. Blast a tee shot into the woods and you get a Mulligan. Usually, only one per round, but the guys I play with take one on every hole. 

But not handshake bullies. When they’re done crushing your hand, you don’t have enough strength to go through it again. Your hand needs a day to recover. So, you grin and bear it, and put a picture of the bully in a special place in your memory so you’ll be ready the next time.

It won’t work; he puts a picture of you in his memory. If you stick out your hand, ready for his maneuver, he doesn’t make a quick grab for your fingers, he ducks down and gives you a “friendly” punch in the gut, “Ha ha, gotcha again.” The only thing to do then, is to stomp down on his foot with everything you’ve got, and say, “Oops, sorry, I tripped.”

This is why a lot of people don’t shake hands anymore. They hug, do a fist bump, a shoulder bump or a high five. Anything, to avoid getting trapped by a handshake bully. Old coots don’t do any of that stuff; it’s too complicated and we’re too uncoordinated – we miss the other guy’s fist in a fist bump and end up punching him in the upper arm – an attempt at a shoulder bump finds us staggering past the guy, headed for a spill to the ground – a high five ends the same way and we don’t hug.

We step back, tip our hats and say, “Howdy; nice to meetcha.” It makes us look like idiots but who cares? Handshake bullies never get us.

Comments, Complaints – Send to mlessler7@gmail.com.