I bring my own napkins! I have to! Too many restaurants only give you a single, paper napkin these days. It\u2019s just not enough, especially when you are having soup and your nose threatens to embarrass you, and say, \u201cGotcha!\u201d My problem is, the paper napkin I\u2019ve been issued is quickly overloaded with ketchup, mustard, mayo, gravy or whatever substance was on my plate that I had to remove from my shirt, pants or places on my face nowhere near my pie hole. <\/p>\n
\u201cHow did you get ketchup on your ear,\u201d my wife will ask? \u201cI have no idea,\u201d I respond, desperately looking around for a waiter or waitress, to secure a new napkin, something that is apparently too costly to let customers have more than one at a time. So, I bring my own. That bulge in my back pocket isn\u2019t a wallet; it\u2019s an emergency paper napkin supply.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s my fault, along with the rest of my crowd, \u201cPeople of Age.\u201d We\u2019re the ones who lined our pockets (and pocket books) with packets of mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, salt, pepper, sugar and whatever else wasn\u2019t nailed down, for years on end, forcing restaurants to control the supply of condiments (and paper napkins) in order to stay in business. I know more than a few people of my vintage who haven\u2019t bought ketchup, mustard, and the like in decades. So, now I\u2019m saddled with carting around a supply of paper napkins in my back pocket.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s even worse in a nice, upscale restaurant where they entrust, even old coots like me, with expensive cloth napkins. I skip the soup in those places, but my nose isn\u2019t prevented from causing me trouble; it acts as though I was slurping a steaming hot bowl of soup. And, the nose I\u2019m sporting these days, has grown as I\u2019ve aged. Just like my ears. Just like all old guys noses and ears. We get shorter as our bones settle, but our facial protuberances get longer. It\u2019s the truth! I don\u2019t want to scare readers in their 30\u2019s, 40\u2019s and 50\u2019s, but it\u2019s in your future too.<\/p>\n
I probably should have issued a \u201cspoiler alert\u201d at the beginning of this article, so you wouldn\u2019t have to discover yet another reason to hang on to the falsehood that you will never get old and look like us. I remember thinking that when I walked around in an intact human mechanism. I still spend too many moments in denial of the aging process to this day. So, here I am, big nose, big ears and a wad of napkins in my back pocket. <\/p>\n