I called to reschedule a doctor\u2019s appointment the other day. Not my idea; I made the original appointment seven months ago, but \u201cthey\u201d needed to change it. Anyhow, that\u2019s what the message on my answering machine said. I swear they watch my house before calling. When I leave, they call and leave a message, forcing me to call them and go through the tortuous call center process. <\/p>\n
So, I poured myself a cup of coffee, grabbed a good book, found a comfortable chair, put the phone on speaker and settled in for the \u201cprocess.\u201d The first step with health providers is designed to get rid of you. \u201cIf you are calling with a health emergency, hang up and dial 911.\u201d Mine wasn\u2019t an emergency, not yet, but I was guessing it might be by the time I finished. Then came the usual, -Push 1, push 2, etc., to get me in the right line. There are a lot of lines: the refill prescription line, the billing inquiry line, the lab results line and at the end of a long list, the one I wanted, the speak to a human line. <\/p>\n
Then came lie #1, \u201cWe\u2019ll be with you shortly,\u201d followed by lie #2, \u201cYour call is important to us.\u201d And a confession, \u201cThis call may be monitored.\u201d I picture a room full of operators, lounging around on overstuffed couches, sipping Margaritas, listening to callers yell into their phones while waiting. I\u2019m sure they get an earful, and end up rolling on the floor in hysterical laughter. I start my yelling right after I get the, \u201cYour call is important,\u201d message; I yell, \u201cLiar, liar, pants on fire.\u201d It makes me feel better. <\/p>\n
After that, the worst elevator music you can imagine starts to play, interrupted every few minutes by a self-promoting message, \u201cOur wound care center is the place to go to heal that old sore that won\u2019t go away\u201d. The \u201cads\u201d you are barraged with are endless; it makes you look forward to the music. Talk about taking advantage of a captive audience. About every five minutes a different interruption comes on from the computer program managing the queue, reminding you that all the operators are busy, your call is important and they\u2019ll be with you shortly. <\/p>\n
Suddenly, the routine stops; you hear a ring tone. \u201cOh boy! I\u2019m being routed to a person!\u201d It\u2019s such a disappointment when you\u2019re not. You\u2019re back at the starting point and a new round of awful music and annoying self-promotion ads start all over again. That\u2019s when I give the operators sitting around sipping Margaritas their best laughs of the day. <\/p>\n
Ultimately, I get through to a person who can reschedule my appointment. I tell them my name and why I\u2019m calling. They respond with, \u201cWhen is your birthday?\u201d I want to say, \u201cWhy? Are you going to send me a present for enduring this process?\u201d But, instead, like the sheep I\u2019ve become during my long wait, I say, \u201cBaa, Baa,\u201d and give them the information. And to think, people wonder what us old retired guys do to occupy our time. <\/p>\n