I have an orange toenail. I don\u2019t know why. I didn\u2019t do anything to deserve it. When I asked my doctor about it he gave me his usual response, the one he gives me whenever I ask him what\u2019s going on, “You\u2019ve got to expect that at your age!\u201d<\/p>\n
He sent me to a podiatrist. She took one look and said, \u201cFungus!\u201d What a horrible word. I know the medical field is obsessed with the Latin language: I wish just once in a while they would the English word, which in this case is \u201cmushroom.\u201d If she told me a mushroom had invaded my toenail I would have felt a lot better. She gave me a prescription and sent me on my way. I hope the next time she orders a steak smothered in mushrooms the waiter corrects her and says, \u201cYou mean steak with fungus don\u2019t you?\u201d<\/p>\n
The prescription did nothing for my orange toenail, but it did help my sore back by making me bend down to apply a dab of goop on it every day, stretching it and easing the soreness. I finally told myself I could live with an orange toenail. It\u2019s moot in comparison to the destruction process my body has been undergoing since I became an old coot. An orange toenail is kind of a bright spot. A little anomaly that doesn\u2019t affect me at all except when I\u2019m at the beach and some kid points to it and yells to his mother, \u201cLook at that guy; he\u2019s got an orange toenail!\u201d<\/p>\n
That kid\u2019s reaction got me to call one of those places that advertises on TV. The ones that claim a 30-minute laser treatment will eliminate toe \u201cmushrooms\u201d (except, they use the Latin word). \u201cHow much?\u201d I asked. \u201cWe can\u2019t tell you that over the phone; you have to come in and let us have a look.\u201d<\/p>\n
Even when I asked for a range of cost, they declined to answer. Come in! Come In! It felt just like it does when I deal with automobile salesmen and try to find out how much I\u2019ll get on a trade. They never answer on the showroom floor. They make you go into their office and try to soften you up with friendly chatter. \u201cHow\u2019s the family?\u201d \u2013 \u201cHow\u2019s your golf game?\u201d \u2013 \u201cYou liking this warm spell?\u201d I had a feeling the laser place would be just like that so I said I\u2019d call back later to make an appointment.<\/p>\n
Then I got lucky. I dropped a hammer on my little toe. The nail turned black. Nobody got in my face at the beach. Just the opposite. I got pity. \u201cOuch! What did you do to your toe?\u201d Pity felt a lot better than, \u201cYuck! Look at that guy\u2019s toe! It\u2019s orange!\u201d<\/p>\n
I think I\u2019ll get some black toenail polish and change my big toenail from orange to black. I asked my wife what she thought of my plan. She\u2019s as curt as my doctor when she responds to one of my old coot complaints. \u201cWhat are you obsessing about? An orange toenail? My gosh! You should focus on the coffee stains on your shirt, the mismatched socks on your feet, your sweater on inside out and your eyebrows that look like corkscrews!\u201d<\/p>\n
I\u2019m getting the nail polish anyway. I can use the pity. And just the opposite of the popular Netflix series – \u201cOrange is the new black.\u201d \u2013 Black, will be my new orange.<\/p>\n
Comments? Complaints? Send to mlessler7@gmail.com.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I have an orange toenail. I don\u2019t know why. I didn\u2019t do anything to deserve it. When I asked my doctor about it he gave…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-47555","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-editorial"],"yoast_head":"\n