I love when I sit down to write. On go the headphones and music pumps through them. The rhythm and the melody come together to help push me forward as I write and sometimes the words inspire me to explore topics that I might not have otherwise have written about.<\/p>\n
Tonight, one song sticks out above the others, and I can’t help but listen to it over again, and over gain.<\/p>\n
This time, my inspiration comes from a song called “Stained Glass” by Jon Guerra.<\/p>\n
As I listen to it, I can’t help but think about how every decision, some good, and some bad have somehow come together to make the sum of who I am and how some of it seems good, and some of it does not.<\/p>\n
I’m a very reflective person, and so often I pick apart every aspect of myself, sometimes trying to figure things out and other times just trying to deal with what I’ve become.<\/p>\n
Some of the words coming through my headphones: “All my days I’ve been wearing the mistakes I’ve made. Like a coat I could’ve thrown away.”<\/p>\n
How true these words are. For me, they are very true.<\/p>\n
Every day I get up and I see this part of me, but I don’t always like to look at it.<\/p>\n
I don’t like to think about the mistakes I’ve made along the way.<\/p>\n
I know that the extra weight that I carry is just a visual reminder of those mistakes.<\/p>\n
I don’t look in the mirror much anymore. I haven’t in a long time. I avoid it.<\/p>\n
When I see pictures of myself, as I have tonight, there’s disconnect between what I see and what I feel.<\/p>\n
Are my arms really that big? Unfortunately, they are.<\/p>\n
If I don’t look at them, it’s like they aren’t any bigger than what I feel like they are.<\/p>\n
But when I do look at them, I see mistakes. I see years of emotional overeating. I see cravings. I see a lack of self-control.<\/p>\n
Just like the song doesn’t end with mistakes, the story doesn’t end there either.<\/p>\n
Throwing away my mistakes, I change what I see in the mirror or in a photograph of myself.<\/p>\n
It gives me a chance also to get a better glimpse of who I really am, beyond the physical appearance. I’m not my mistakes, but sometimes I have to remind myself of that because sometimes I identify too closely with them.<\/p>\n
That late-night pizza I used to eat once upon a time, it’s not me, nor are the wings or the blue cheese covered wedges.<\/p>\n
The reality is if I were a piece of artwork, I’d be a masterpiece – not because of physical appearance or any kind of perfection, because that I am most definitely lacking – but simply because I was made that way. It’s a sum of all of what makes me who I am; the things that people see and the things that they don’t. Whether imagining a painting or a stain-glass window as the song suggests, it gives me a better idea of who I really am causing me to look deep into my soul and into my spirit.<\/p>\n
It helps me to see myself far beyond how big my arms are or my waistline for that matter.<\/p>\n
I think seeing myself in that way is an important part of transformation because it’s something that hasn’t coming naturally to me. I had to look for it. Instead of not looking at myself, avoiding mirrors and looking at pictures, I simply have a new way of seeing what I look at in the mirror. The problem is, until it becomes more natural to look at myself in this new way, I will probably need to remind myself to do it. Perhaps looking into a stained glass mirror will help me remember.<\/p>\n
If not, then perhaps maybe the Bible verse that was left on my desk this week in a sweet little note will help. “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well,” Psalm 139:14. Thank you to the person who left it and the pink handmade needlepoint cross that was with it. That was very kind.<\/p>\n
If you want to hear the song that I’ve been listening to over and over while writing this column, you can find the full song on YouTube – just search Jon Guerra and Stained Glass.<\/p>\n