By Merlin Lessler —<\/p>\n
Every once in a while some middle-aged guy will stop me and ask, \u201cWhat makes a person an old coot?\u201d I ask them a series of questions and then let them see if their worst fears are coming true.<\/p>\n
Here are the questions I ask.<\/p>\n
Is the gap between the top of your shoe and the bottom of your pants two inches or greater? (The bigger the gap the more of an old coot you are.)<\/p>\n
Do you insist that underwear be white, socks too, no other color is clean?<\/p>\n
Do your shoes either slip-on or fasten with Velcro?<\/p>\n
Does staying up late mean you only doze off twice by bedtime at 11 p.m.?<\/p>\n
Do you wear a fanny pack with the pack in front to the point where you don’t use your pockets anymore?<\/p>\n
Do all your conversations start with, \u201cWhen I was a kid,” “When I was still working,” “When my kids were young,\u201d or the like?<\/p>\n
Do you usually find the things you lost around your neck, pushed up on top of your head, in your pocket, or in your other hand?<\/p>\n
Do you yell at the newscasters on TV?<\/p>\n
Does your belt buckle ride just below your rib cage? (This may explain why your pant cuffs are six inches above your shoes.)<\/p>\n
Is your dinner hour 4 p.m.?<\/p>\n
Do you have to sit down to put on your socks, shoes, and pants?<\/p>\n
Does everybody under 40 look 16 to you?<\/p>\n
Are you the first one to get there for a party, to vote, for church service, and every other event with a start time?<\/p>\n
Do you read the obituaries every day?<\/p>\n
Is the music too loud? Everywhere!<\/p>\n
Is the President, your doctor, dentist, lawyer, and every other symbol of authority younger than you?<\/p>\n
Are three or more of your toenails thicker than the edge of a half-dollar and closer to gold than pink? (And do you even know what a half-dollar looks like?)<\/p>\n
Does sleeping through the night mean you only had to get up once?<\/p>\n
Do you leave it that way and shrug, \u201cOh well,\u201d when you discover you\u2019ve put your sweater on backwards?<\/p>\n
Does it take you a minute or longer to get into or out of your car?<\/p>\n
If you answer yes to six or more you are well on your way; 12 or more, well, what can I say, welcome to the club.<\/p>\n