The Old Coot does a disappearing act

[By Merlin Lessler]

I read an article in the Wall Street Journal by Alison C. Cheperdak titled, “In Defense of the Irish Goodbye” (leaving a party without saying goodbye may be the most polite option). The title really caught my interest because I know the consequences of saying goodbye: it will engage the “Goodbye Process,” a term I coined and explained in a 2005 Old Coot article. 

In a few words, it extends leaving for many, many minutes from a man’s viewpoint. When his wife says it’s time to leave, he thinks they will be finding the hosts, saying thanks and goodbye. 

But for his wife, it means going to everyone she had a conversation with, rehashing it, saying goodbye, and thanking the hosts. At minimum, the process takes 15 minutes. 

The husband is standing with her, figuratively tugging at her sleeve, saying, “Can we go now? Can we go now?”  Like a five-year-old would do in a store with his mother. The male/female roles can sometimes be switched, but that’s not my experience!

For years, I have been accused of doing a disappearing act. I’d be at an event with a lot of people, and eventually, someone would ask, “Where did Lessler go?”  –  “Oh, he’s gone. He just leaves.” 

I learned long ago that whether it’s a cocktail party or just a bunch of people at a bar, if you say you’re leaving, they always try to stop you. 

“Come on, have one more!” 

Not me. I just disappear. (When I’m by myself. I can’t get my wife to join in.)  I never knew it had an official name – “Irish Goodbye.” Now I do.

The journalist says it’s almost rude not to do that sometimes; if you’re at a wedding, for example. The bride and groom go table to table having a little chat with everybody and finally get to sit down to enjoy the reception. But they are interrupted all the time by people coming over to say goodbye and redo the same conversation they already had. Would Emily Post approve? Maybe?

You just have to read the room. If your absence won’t be noticed, you’re in the clear. If leaving without a goodbye could cause confusion or concern, a discreet farewell whispered to the host strikes the perfect balance between tradition and convenience. 

My behavior has finally been validated. Thank you, Wall Street Journal.

P.S. If you’d like to read the original 2005 Coot article explaining the Goodbye Process in full, just e-mail a request to me at mlessler7@gmail.com and I’ll e-mail you a copy.